The 'Other' One-Click Patent Holder Sues Apple, Paypal... And Victoria's Secret

An Open Letter From A Canadian To The New York Times, Eh?

from the happy-to-help dept

Thu, Mar 17th 2011 3:59pm — Marcus Carab

Dear New York Times,

As a Canadian, I am writing to say what an honour and a privilege it is to be chosen as one of your preliminary test subjects for the dumbest business model imaginable. We don't get many chances to contribute up here in the untamed north, so the knowledge that we are helping to ensure "as smooth a transition as possible" for your real readers makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like a Tim Horton's hot chocolate.

Your plan makes perfect sense. The average Canadian starts his day chopping down trees and ends it with igloo sex (which is awesome, by the way) so we don't need something to be "smooth" and "fine-tuned" unless it's an axe or a Chippewa concubine. So by all means use us as your whetstone before you go hacking away at the American market - we don't mind in the slightest. New York is still basically a mythical place to us, so every article you publish is like a dispatch from Oz, and who wouldn't want to pay for that?

Now, there are those who will tell you that your business model couldn't be more doomed if you opened a chain of in-temple money changers, which is no doubt why you wanted to try it out on Canadians before attempting any human testing. I for one pledge to live up to the faith you have shown in us: I will ignore the nay-sayers and become a lifelong subscriber, if only to prove how much more agreeable we northerners are than whiny yanks like Felix Salmon. Felix thinks you can evaluate things with math. If Canadians believed that, we'd move our currency off the Syrup Standard. However, as your goal is to improve the product, I will dutifully point out that even to us your pricing structure makes less sense than your country's bacon naming conventions.

So thank you New York Times for singling Canada out as the only place on the entire planet that deserves to test your unfinished product. Of course, it's not entirely clear why it's still unfinished, since the $40-million you spent developing it is more than the combined wealth of our entire nation ever since Celine Dion moved to Vegas, but we have faith nonetheless. I sincerely hope that, with our help, your paywall will be a big hit in the real world.

Your faithful guinea-pig,
Marcus Carab

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Filed Under: canada, paywall
Companies: ny times

40 Comments

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william (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 3:35pm

As a fellow Canadian... Bravo Sir, bravo! PS. Obligatory Citizen Kane clapping gif, which I am not allowed to inline here. ;-) http://www.godlikeproductions.com/sm/cmicsfee.gif
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Capitalist Lion Tamer (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:08pm

Awesome post!
Marcus,

I'm with you one hundred percent even though I'm technically not Canadian. (I live just south of you. And I've been spelling "grey" with an "e" as long as I can remember. Oh, and I keep putting a "u" back in "humour," which always sets off the spellcheck.)

There's nothing in this letter that I don't agree with. The part that don't not agree with the most is your slam of Felix Salmon. God knows we've all had it up to here with his constant use of numbers and charts and whatnot to piss all over bad ideas from newspaper paywalls to the entirety of the Greek economy.

I'd stop reading him immediately in protest, but he's won me over completely with his understated preppy look and his close resemblance to the foodie guy from "Queer Eye." (You know, the one who's gone on to other foodie type gigs? Like Iron Chef Whitey on Food Network?)

Anyway, kudos again for your letter and for forging a path into the paywall for the rest of us.
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el_segfaulto (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:15pm

Fantastic letter! I've said it before and I'll continue saying it, I (as an American) feel a lot more camaraderie with the folks up north and across the pond who share my social and economic standing, than I do with the elitist mega-rich who are currently running my country into the ground.
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blaktron (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:15pm

Im Canadian, and personally, who gives a shit what the New York Times does. The Guardian writes better news anyway, and seemingly isnt stupid enough to charge for something that they almost have to pay you to read now. Like, have they forgotten television? And internet based video news?
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ChurchHatesTucker (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:22pm

Wait. What?
There's another Times?
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cc (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:26pm

I nominate this entire post for funniest comment of the week..!
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Anonymous Coward, 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:39pm

A true Canadian always soaks their Loonies in maple syrup otherwise we would lose them when we go transporting our milk in bags.
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Jesse (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 4:58pm

As a Canadian, I think the US needs some new jokes about Canadians. It's not even funny anymore.

Not to offend anyone, eh?
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Anonymous Coward, 17 Mar 2011 @ 5:10pm

Re:
We still use the same old jokes about that, why would they do any different? Let's start by having new jokes about them, then they'll be "inspired" and will come up with new ones!
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trilobug, 17 Mar 2011 @ 5:17pm

Brilliant!
From the don'tchaknow dept.
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Dark Helmet (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 5:33pm

Re:
Hold that thought, friend....
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QuantumMechanic, 17 Mar 2011 @ 5:43pm

Awesome
What a brilliant post. They have an old business model!
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Blatant Coward (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 5:46pm

Re: Awesome
Nope, this is a brand new business model. Like a rocket sled to the bottom of the grand canyon. Guaranteed results.
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Ian (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 6:23pm

My letter to the NYT
I have heard that you have decided to test your new subscription model here in Canada. I thought that you might be interested in my response as a Canadian.

I used to be a reader of the New York Times. That ends today, and for as long as your subscription model continues. I also frequently linked to NYT content, as it was both available to visitors and highly reputable. However, now when I am sharing news stories I shall not use the New York Times as I cannot know that those I would be sending to your page will be able to view the content. As my intention is to share the information, I shall instead find news articles elsewhere to link to. I will naturally encourage my friends (both actual and Facebook) to do likewise.

I am sure that your experiment with this model will, like all previous such experiments, be a glorious failure that is eventually withdrawn. On that day I will return as a reader, unless I find a site I like better in the meantime. I wasn't looking before, but I am now.
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Anonymous Coward, 17 Mar 2011 @ 6:31pm

Oh god, Mike is letting you write here too? Let your back bone slide.
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Anonymous Coward, 17 Mar 2011 @ 7:12pm

Seems everyone gets it but Murdock. Oh, best wishes in that new padded rocket sled seat. I hear it will really make you grin to bare it.

There is one thing I really wished I knew when this is all over with. That is how much readership was lost and what happened as a result of that with ad prices.

There is nothing in the NYTs that I'm interested in since I live outside the NY area.

Oh btw, did you hear that nasty rumor about there being free news on the internet?
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Bengie, 17 Mar 2011 @ 7:31pm

First thing
As soon as I read this story on ./, I googled New York Times and clicked "block". I shall no longer gets results from them
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Chris in Utah (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 7:34pm

I wonder if he's taken a flight on The Heart of Gold lately because that was one exclelentae troll.
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Dark Helmet (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 7:46pm

Re:
Seriously? Got get screwed, you lifeless, soulless, useless load that your mom shoulda swallowed....
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bigref (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 7:55pm

"Seems everyone gets it but Murdock."

Huh! I must not be part Canadian, because I don't get the reference to Murdock. You can't possibly be talking about the owner of News Corp, since they are making money hoof over mooseburger. That, of course, according to math geeks like Felix Salmon, is "getting it".

Marcus - great post. Talk about an epic fail. From one of the two great world newspapers to global joke in 10 quick years.
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Anonymous Coward, 17 Mar 2011 @ 8:06pm

Re: Re:
If that is all you have, well, you ain't got much.
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Anonymous Coward, 17 Mar 2011 @ 8:37pm

Re: Re: Re:
If that is all you have, well, you ain't got much.

Oh, and I add........

Your agenda's showing. Please put it back into where ever it goes.
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bigref (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 8:47pm

Awwwwwww, come on coward
I have no agenda, I just don't get the Murdock reference. Or is that your agenda - just blurt out non sequiturs ala Sheen?
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greg.fenton (profile), 17 Mar 2011 @ 9:04pm

Re:
Are you kidding me? All of the comedians in the US are Canadian.

If you think the US material is old, then blame Canadians...at least the ones that are stinking rich, hanging out in hollywood, un/re/married to ditsy blond vaccines-are-devil-spawn chicks, etc.
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The eejit (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 12:56am

Re: Re: Re: Re:
On second thoughts, don't? Wouldn't want the Coming of the Elder Gods, now, would we?
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Anonymous Coward, 18 Mar 2011 @ 1:31am

Re: Re: Re:
Says the pay tard who wrote:

Oh god, Mike is letting you write here too? Let your back bone slide.

This is why your side is losing.

Pathetic. Troll harder.
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Dominic Sayers (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 1:38am

Felix Salmon is a yank?
I think he's actually a subject of your Queen.
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Another Canadian, 18 Mar 2011 @ 3:47am

Most of the time, Canadians have the reputation for being some of the politest people on the planet... thanks for showing the Americans that we can have a wicked sense of humour and can be as sarcastic as the best of em. Hopefully the sarcasm isn't buried too far in maple syrupy goodness for Murdoch to notice with his head so far up his ass.

Having said that, I will point out that you forgot one stereotype... you didn't say sorry anywhere, even if there was no real reason for it, and you didn't really mean to.

Sorry!
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The eejit (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 3:56am

Re:
You're Un-Canadian! Heretic! :p
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Marcus Carab (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 6:09am

Re: Felix Salmon is a yank?
Indeed. This was pointed out to me shortly after I posted my letter. One would think that, as a brit, he would have the decency to display his coat of arms from time to time so we Canadians can show him the respect commensurate to his family history. We get very confused out here on the frontier of the empire, you know, so we aren't always up-to-date on the latest happenings nearer the throne. Hell, we only just started printing Pepys' diary two years ago.

But also, according to It's A Big World Out There, Dontchaknow (a copy of which sits on every good Canadian boy's bookshelf) New York City is somewhat akin to the Sarlaac Pit, with little hope of escape. So until the Salmon is rescued or digested, I would argue that he is an honourary yank, or at least a Yank Novitiate.
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Killer_Tofu (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 6:25am

Re:
Agree. Was going to ask, is there any way to vote the post itself as funny?
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Cowardly Anon, 18 Mar 2011 @ 6:42am

Re:
Not in the least.

The amount of snark actually made my morning. :)
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Cowardly Anon, 18 Mar 2011 @ 6:46am

Re: Re: Felix Salmon is a yank?
You, sir, are winning. :)
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Mr. LemurBoy (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 7:06am

This was beautiful. You, sir, are full of win.
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A Dan (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 7:13am

Re: Re:
Agreed, I would have done the same.
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Anonymous Coward, 18 Mar 2011 @ 7:43am

Re: Re: Re: Re:
I didn't know there were sides, and honestly, if this is losing, then you guys must really be hating life right now!
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Chris Rhodes (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 8:19am

Re:
[NYT Executive Detected]
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Chris Rhodes (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 8:20am

Masterpiece
10/10, would read again!
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Gregg L. DesElms (profile), 18 Mar 2011 @ 10:38am

Excellent! And to think... from a mere Canadian!
Ha! Ohmygod, that's funny.

Mr. Carab was truly inspired.

_________________________________
Gregg DesElms
Napa, California USA
gregg at greggdeselms dot com
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proximity1, 19 Mar 2011 @ 7:03am

"All The News That's Fit To Print"
Surgeon General's Warning: reading the New York Times may be hazardous to your health; you may experience blurred vision, reality distortion, headaches, disorientation, moral exhaustion, attention deficit disorder, confusion and serious degradation of your critical faculties. Young children, pregnant women and elderly people should avoid direct contact. Articles contain subtle (or not so subtle) disinformation, propagandistic appeals and special pleading for causes and interests near and dear to the "Davos World Economic Forum" Set.
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