Techdirt Crowdsourcing: How Will The TSA Idiotically Respond To The Laptop Terror Bomb?
from the giving-them-ideas dept
The terrorism arms race marches on, apparently. You may have heard of the recent attack on a passenger plane taking off from Somalia. By all accounts, the attacker managed to get onto the plane with a laptop that contained a bomb, which he detonated during takeoff. The result? The bomber was sucked out of the hole he created in the plane and died, while a couple of other passengers were mildly wounded. The universe, it seems, is not without either a sense of justice or humor.
Still, you absolutely know that this will create a typical shitstorm at the TSA. Security theater stops for nobody, after all, and this latest attempt is sure to put a focus on any computer devices passengers are bringing with them on flights. Laptops and tablets are already screened by the TSA, of course, but somehow this guy got on the plane with his bomb-filled notebook. Even though it happened outside the US (so not directly a TSA failing), it's not difficult to expect that things are predictably and stupidly going to get more strict on the rest of us. We thought it might be fun to engage in a little crowdsourcing of predictions as to what the TSA reaction will be. In our writing room, your esteemed Techdirt writers came up with some ideas to help you get started:
- If you have not upgraded to Windows 10, passengers will be forced to do so at the security checkpoint.
- If you run a machine using Linux, yeah, you're not getting on the damn plane.
- The TSA will have a special USB key that it will plug into every computer. It won't actually detect explosives, but it will download any nude photos you have of yourself on the machine for TSA employees to enjoy. They love that shit, after all.
- All laptops must be in a vaccuum sealed plastic bag and cannot be opened until the plane has landed.
- Any laptop over a certain weight will immediately be tossed in the same bin as all of the breast milk, insulin, and contact solution.
- If your machine contains a copy of Minesweeper, you are shot on sight.
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Filed Under: bombs, laptops, security theater, tsa
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They'll buy a whole fleet of new cargo planes, but when people catch on and stop bringing laptops, opting instead to just buy new ones when they land, the TSA will have to start answering questions about how far this "cord cutting" fad will go. Don't worry, they'll say, they didn't want to transport all those old laptop parts around anyway.
They'll keep the fleet of cargo planes, though, and get a massive bailout for being too big to fail.
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FTFY
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- Any laptop with a black case will be seized as evidence of ill intent on the part of the traveler. Proper professional laptops have silver/gray or white cases.
- TSA agents will carefully check any music playlists on the laptop. Any that contain a song with 'bomb', 'fire', 'gun' or similar words in the title or lyrics will result in seizure of the laptop and detainment of the owner.
- Any laptop with an estimated worth of $1500 or more will be seized. No traveler needs a laptop that valuable, only a would-be-terrorist would carry one in an attempt to disguise a potential weapon.
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Not a timebomb.
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TSA will check your laptop for downloaded TV shows and movies and send a compiled list to the MPAA for billing.
TSA will check your laptop for downloaded books and send a compiled list to the Big 5 publishers for billing.
TSA will check your laptop for TOR and will send your information to the DEA for inspection. Also, your laptop will be confiscated and sold on Ebay as seized property.
TSA will check your laptop for VPN and encryption software and will send your information to NSA, FBI and CIA. If you are using full disk encryption, you will be detained until you decrypt the drive and they can copy the contents.
TSA will ban taking all electronic devices bigger than their hand onto the airplane. Such items must be checked, for which the airlines will charge a fee to ensure their safe return. Use of the electronics on the airplane at any time will make you subject to arrest, fine and general ridicule.
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Multivariate Solution
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Don't they have those already?
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Practical Solutions
2. Keep your data, fully encrypted, in a location reachable from any Internet connection (preferably NOT owned by anyone whom may have a cozy relationship with ANY government), and borrow a laptop at your destination.
3. Travel for pleasure only and go digit-less on your travels (OK that one isn't always practical).
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plane!
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A wireless mouse without a readily identifiable receiver attached to the laptop will require a full cavity search.
Leftover crumbs from your morning doughnut that managed to find their way into your keyboard are probably leftover explosive residue. Any attempts to use compressed air or shake out the crumbs is a sign you are trying to hide your misdeeds and a tacit admission of guilt. You will be detained and violated, probably including forced X-Rays, MRI's and enema's.
Laptops with wireless capability are especially suspect, since we are all master hackers and could easily take over the plane and cause the engine to blow itself up. Or take over the plane and fly into something. This may only apply to first class passengers, since you probably need a bit of elbow room to do your hacking.
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/quote
oh oh... my bluetooth mouse doesn't need a receiver attached.
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What this will do is add some layer of inconvenience and stupidity (laptops must be in checked luggage or something) that will make getting on a plane longer, more stressful but at the end of the day will not improve security in one meaningful iota.
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External storage
Though speaking for myself, I have no inclination to visit the USA anytime soon.
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They can just sit back and relax, watching the various governments do more damage to the public than they ever could have.
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More and more to fail at
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Re: More and more to fail at
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Probable flier countermeasure
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Re: Probable flier countermeasure
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Haven't you heard? It's illegal to film TSA checkpoints! "SECURITY!!!"
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Re: Re: Probable flier countermeasure
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More Euro style theatrics
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Re: More Euro style theatrics
How hard would it be to tear out everything from inside a laptop and replace it with a Raspberry Pi that provides some kind of desktop that can be clicked on? It doesn't need to do much, and that would leave the rest of the space in the case for something that goes boom.
Hold on, someone's at the door...
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WiFi
Laptops won't get banned. Airlines make money (or expect to) by providing wifi, so they want people to bring their laptops. If TSA threatens their revenue, the lobbyists will spring into existence.
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TSA'd
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From reports, the bomb was in a laptop-style bag, not specifically a laptop. And the bag bypassed security and was handed to the passenger inside the secure area. It might well be that the 'terrorist' had no idea what he was carrying.
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Your laptop, on the other hand, has to undergo a strip-search.
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Relevant xkcd
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Correction, Commander...
"(sigh) Thank you, Mr. Data."
"You're welcome, Sir."
-- Season 1 of Star Trek, TNG
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Accidents happen
"What's that? It wiped your hard drive? So sorry, move along."
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Whatever: Nowhere in the article does it mention that this wasn't the TSA's fault because this was outside the U.S. and so the TSA had nothing to do with it.
Typical response: It does mention it. It says "Even though it happened outside the US (so not directly a TSA failing)"
Whatever: Yes But it glosses over that part as a parenthetical note instead of making it the central point of the article. Had this been in the U.S. you know the article would be criticizing the heck out of the TSA and making it the central point of the article. but because this is not the U.S. you barely mention it.
Typical Response: Wow, there is just no point arguing with you. You obviously didn't read the article and when you were shown to be wrong you did a poor job backpedaling.
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Why not, you know, not post? Even the scenario in your fantasy above is you just whining that the article isn't written the way you want it to be, even though you still admit there's nothing factually wrong.
"Had this been in the U.S. you know the article would be criticizing the heck out of the TSA and making it the central point of the article. but because this is not the U.S. you barely mention it"
Yes, a story in the US would criticise the actions taken by the US, but a non-US story makes this inappropriate. I suspect the author is unfamiliar with whatever the Somalian version of the TSA is, so opted to focus their attention on the TSA's potential reaction (who have been known to overreact to non-attacks where screening took place outside the US before - that's where the shoe and liquid screening came from after all).
It's not that you don't read the articles, it's that your arguments are nonsensical, illogical and often completely irrelevant, as noted above.
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You *could* have responded by mocking me for missing the (parody) part of the moniker on the comment I responded to (which I just noticed), leaving me feeling suitably embarrassed for responding to it seriously. You could have "won" there.
But, no, you just have to act like a child and swear and name call and act like a bigger fool yourself. Pathetic.
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He could have, but everyone knows you're just such an excellent poster that you'd get around to doing that yourself anyway, and then they'd look foolish.
Ya just can't win some times.
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The second person to respond to you though is probably the actual guy posting from one of his fifty magical IP addresses, desperately clicking away to downvote.
As for why he doesn't just not post, it's anyone's guess.
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Seating
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Any Laptop Larger than 3oz Not Permitted
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Re: Any Laptop Larger than 3oz Not Permitted
1. TSA decides no laptops allowed through security
2. enterprising people who absolutely do not have their hands in legislators' pockets will start selling low cost, disposable laptops in the secured zone of the airport
This is what happened with bottled water, just a different price point. You've got your data in the cloud anyway, right?
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Robot assistants
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Re: Robot assistants
A US court ruled that a dog's detection reliability rate of less than 50% is still admissible in court as probable cause for evidence. So, either tossing a coin or just having some slices of bacon will serve as probable cause for releasing the drop hammer.
:p
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Re: Re: Robot assistants
https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20160209/09322733559/drug-dogs-dont-even-have-to-be-right-hal f-time-to-be-considered-reliable-courts.shtml
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TSA will then take all laptops into the curtained off section to probe the backdoor provided with their dongle.
The laptop will be returned to you with the high capacity battery confiscated as too hazardous to be permitted on the flight.
An airport employee will provide you with a cheap recalled Sony battery after the TSA screening process anyway as a courtesy.
The Sony battery will burst into flames during the flight taking you with it, but only a couple of other passengers will be slightly singed.
Round 2 of even harsher TSA crackdowns will be instituted in response.
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Boycott in Defense of Liberty
If the flying public were to loudly demand an end to TSA and it's security theater backing their words with a boycott (quixotic?) of US airlines for one week the airlines would stand to collectively lose roughly $240 million dollars on average (based on US airline net income from 2nd qtr 2014 - 2nd qtr 2015 data).
http://www.rita.dot.gov/bts/press_releases/bts044_15
Hitting US airlines where they would hurt most - the bottom line might force them to demand congress defund TSA.
The only purpose for TSA's poorly trained minions performing their security theater circus tricks is to help condition people into accepting intrusive government/private security check points in their daily lives as being routine.
The paragraph below was excerpted from the online forum Just Security:
Homeland Insecurity: Checkpoints, Warrantless Searches and Security Theater
By Patrick Eddington
Monday, February 2, 2015 at 1:00 PM
The DHS activities I’ve described in this piece share a common theme: each activity involves the use of taxpayer dollars for the conduct of search and seizure operations that are potential violations of the Fourth Amendment. And none of these operations have led to the arrest of a single terrorist nor have they uncovered or disrupted a single terrorist plot. This is “security theater” writ large.
https://www.justsecurity.org/19618/homeland-insecurity-checkpoints-warrantless-searches-securi ty-theater/
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Of course, they were planning to do that anyway.
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Is that a stick of dynamite or are you just glad to see me?
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(Hey, you never know. There's a small chance the TSA will do something proportionate and reasonable for a change, right?)
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Checked luggage, of course.
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Looking good for our oppressors.
Time to get photoshopping if I want moans and not laughs coming from the TSA office. I have my pride.
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