Alert: North Korea Now Capable Of Using Photoshop To Launch Missiles From Submarines

from the shop-skillz dept

Fri, May 22nd 2015 1:16am — Timothy Geigner

Whenever our friends in Pyongyang decide to troll the planet with one of their hilariously bad propaganda pieces, it always makes me wonder just how serious the North Korean regime is about this whole war thing. I mean, using video game footage and music to threaten 'Merica? C'mon, son. And those photoshopped photo-ops of your human-chicken-dumpling leader just don't inspire much confidence in the country's technological capabilities. But it's when North Korea combines war and fun-bad photoshopping that the real fun begins.

Take the country's recent press brag, for instance, in which North Korea announces that they've managed to launch a missile from a submarine.

Experts, it appears, aren't all that impressed with the photo. That was particularly the case when the state-run Pyongyang press circulated other photos of the launch that were complete with columns of smoke from the missile, columns of smoke conspicuously absent from the initial photo that was circulated above.

As Markus Schiller and Robert Schmucker, of Schmucker Technologie, told Reuters, “Considering the track record of North Korean deceptions, it seems sensible to assume that any North Korean SLBM [submarine-launched ballistic missile] capability is still a very long time in the future, if it will ever surface.”

What the column-less photo lacked in smoke, it made up for with weird, poorly placed ocean smudges. That reddish patch of water you see to the left of the missile? That’s supposed to be the rocket’s reflection.

And, so, sadly, the only thing this launch report from North Korea tells us is that they still haven't gotten photoshop down. Oh well. If they ever did get into an actual shooting war again, I suppose they could always just photoshop themselves into some kind of victory pose. Given how often their progress with weapons technology turns out to be non-progress at photo-bullshitting, such a war is probably a remote possibility. Several of the commenters over at Gawker offered to help them out, of course, though this one is probably my favorite.

Call in Mario Marine!

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Filed Under: missiles, north korea, photoshop, propaganda

32 Comments

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Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 3:46am

I'm actually amazed they have computers that can run photoshop. It never ceases to amaze me.
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- Mike Masnick (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 3:51am
  
  Re:
  Blame WIPO.
  
  https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20120404/12263218371/ip-above-all-else-wipo-defies-un-sanctions-to -give-computers-to-north-korea.shtml
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  - Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 7:44am
    
    Re: Re:
    I don't know how the heck I ended up in this little video about Pyongyang but it got me thinking about the whole issue (I know, I know they only got the 'better' side of NK). I mean, the reason computers were shipped to NK is insanity but I find the current sanctions to be largely ineffective in dealing with the dictatorship installed there. Much like the Cuban embargo. Maybe if we didn't actively contribute to the isolation then it would be easier to get the people to question the regime and change would happen faster. After all we are dealing with a whole lot of human beings up there that have their needs and routines.
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    - Teamchaos (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 8:30am
      
      Re: Re: Re:
      That was a cool video, thanks for sharing. If you can believe the video they appear to be doing just fine without us. Of course, it was filmed in a city where just about everybody works for the ruling regime. I think the jury is still out on whether loosening the embargo on Cuba will result in weakening the dictatorship there.
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      - Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 9:24am
        
        Re: Re: Re: Re:
        If you can believe the video they appear to be doing just fine without us.
        
        In Pyongyang maybe yes heh. The guys that made the video were clear in the 'faq' question that the regime did not let them film the things that were not absolutely sparkling.
        
        I think the jury is still out on whether loosening the embargo on Cuba will result in weakening the dictatorship there.
        
        Yeah, only time will tell.
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    - Anonymous Coward, 23 May 2015 @ 7:01am
      
      Re: Re: Re:
      Sending computers to NK citizens might not be insanity though. They're already flooded with small DVD/SVCD/USB media players, you know the kind that never caught much outside Japan from Sony, copycats of that with info about the outside world, even just hollywood movies (which the Jong family are massive fans of and possess copies of almost all movies ever made...at least that was the case of the more recluse kim jong-il who prefered to spend his day in his underwear watching american movies than appear at his own elaborate birthday parties out in Pyongyang.
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- tracyanne (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 3:51am
  
  Re: Photoshop
  They're using GIMP
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  - Gumnos (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:11am
    
    Re: Photoshop
    The Supreme Leader needs neither Photoshop nor GIMP. His mind natively manipulates the bits on disk.
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    - Coyoty (profile), 23 May 2015 @ 8:44pm
      
      Re: Re: Photoshop
      His vision is that powerful.
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  - Ninja (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 7:36am
    
    Re: Re: Photoshop
    More likely pirated Photoshop to mess with the US ;D /jk
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Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 4:36am

Every time I see one of these propaganda pictures comes out of n.Korea, I look forward to the ensuing PSBattle on Reddit. This should be good.
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Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 4:55am

But it has to be true, because the unicorns helped them build it.
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- wereisjessicahyde (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:14am
  
  Re:
  No, it was China. But they are laughing too.
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Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 5:32am

It took years for the Church of Scientology to finally abandon its tradition of Photoshopping its "for internal use only" PR photos. But in the mean time, Scientology's propaganda wing, the "Office of Special Affairs" kept thinking they just needed to improve their Photoshopping skills, and then everything would be alright. Maybe the North Koreans think the same way, because if nothing else, at least their Photoshopping skills seem to be improving.
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That One Guy (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 5:35am

Getting it all wrong
Don't you see, the weapons they are developing and deploying aren't missiles and jets and whatnot, no, the NK government has moved past them and into the realm of humor as a weapon.

Their efforts in showing off their Photoshop skills(or lack thereof) aren't meant to show off weapons they don't have, they are the weapons.

No weapon is perfect at first, and as such it makes sense for these early attempts to be only chuckle worthy, but once they make the breakthrough, and truly grasp the essence of humor(something NK is famous for, as I'm sure you all know) then other, more primitive countries who are still reliant on physical weapons will undoubtedly be brought to their knees in tears of laughter, leaving them wide open for conquest.
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- nasch (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 9:36am
  
  Re: Getting it all wrong
  Don't you see, the weapons they are developing and deploying aren't missiles and jets and whatnot, no, the NK government has moved past them and into the realm of humor as a weapon.
  
  Or even worse, combining the two:
  
  http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/eh1jr5/kim-possible
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- DogBreath, 22 May 2015 @ 11:04am
  
  Re: Getting it all wrong
  Don't you see, the weapons they are developing and deploying aren't missiles and jets and whatnot, no, the NK government has moved past them and into the realm of humor as a weapon.
  
  Nothing new here. Kim Jong Un is just following in his fathers (Kim Jong Il) footsteps, as clearly seen in his fathers prize winning film (here is the trailer, dubbed in english).
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Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 5:52am

This is western propaganda to make fun of the Russians, dont buy it!
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- wereisjessicahyde (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:12am
  
  Re:
  No Russians were involved in the making of this weaponry. If they had of been the weapon would work.
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  - Anonymous Coward, 23 May 2015 @ 7:03am
    
    Re: Re:
    Russia is going to sell it's G-500 anti-anti-missile system to many countries....NK won't be one of them, they totally abandoned them after the USSR imploded, and even before so a little.
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wereisjessicahyde (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:01am

Can someone please bring back that "Kim Jong Un Looking at Things" blog. It was ace. At least a torrent of the backup - please?
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Daydream, 22 May 2015 @ 6:18am

Silly theory time:
Do you suppose that it might be possible that North Korea actually has some ridiculously powerful weapons in development (nuclear weapons, drones, etc), and is deliberately releasing these obviously-faked photos in order to lull their enemies into believing North Korea is no threat, and therefore not worth expending resources on for the purpose of espionage?

After all, if Kim Jong-Un needs to be photoshopped into these pictures, it implies that he needs to be elsewhere doing something else, possibly something unsavory...

...Or perhaps I should just apply a variation of Hanlon's Razor; never attribute to genius that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.
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- Anonymous Coward, 23 May 2015 @ 7:06am
  
  Re: Silly theory time:
  They have lots of enriched uranium good enough for many nukes. Nothing to do with it though, A.Q Khan didn't help them that much and didn't he die or was arrested by Pakistan as he was on his "lets show the world how to make nukes spree".
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Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 6:34am

It couldn't be just me?
With a name like Schmuckers, we'll find out they're shooped.
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Teamchaos (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 6:47am

Gotta love that pun
“Considering the track record of North Korean deceptions, it seems sensible to assume that any North Korean SLBM [submarine-launched ballistic missile] capability is still a very long time in the future, if it will ever surface.”

Get it? submarine-launched, surface.
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- Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 8:39am
  
  Re: Gotta love that pun
  Yea I love that pun :)
  
  But what I'd really love is proof that NK actually has a submarine capable of accommodating a ballistic missile. ATTACK submarine weapons don't launch straight up.
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  - DogBreath, 22 May 2015 @ 11:22am
    
    Re: Re: Gotta love that pun
    They do if they perform the USS Chopper Maneuver, and then launch the SLBM through one of their torpedo tubes.
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Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 10:21am

Looks real to me. The trail in the water could be leaked fuel or sealant in the submarine launch tube that's released when it's opened to the water. I'm not the best expert.
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- Anonymous Coward, 22 May 2015 @ 11:48am
  
  Re:
  Except for one slight problem, you do not want to be that close to a solid fuel booster without protection against the fumes and the noise. Those things are loud, and the fumes tend to be nasty.
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Wickedsmack (profile), 22 May 2015 @ 11:19am

Oh, North Korea....
I have hard time taking them seriously anymore. They can't really project any power off their own pennisula. However, when gems like these propaganda pictures surface, you have to admit, NK has a great sense of humor when it comes to trying to act tough.
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Coyoty (profile), 23 May 2015 @ 8:52pm

Yellow Sub Standards
He's got a hole in his rocket.
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