Iran Declares Victory Over Internet-In-A-Suitcase

from the efforts-still-ongoing-vs.-d**k-in-a-box dept

Whatever anyone comes up with, Iran has an answer for it. The regular internet (a.k.a., "The Wild West") too wild and free and uncensored? No problem. Iran's got it covered with its own internet (still in progress). You say you've put some men and other assorted animals into orbit? Hey, Iran's been doing that since sometime this month.

So, what's up next for Iran, the little dictatorship that could? Why, it's nothing less than announcing its triumph over the possibly still-in-progress internet-in-a-suitcase. Built by the US to keep dissidents supplied with a viable internet connection and a direct line to the CIA, the internet-in-a-suitcase has already proven to be no match for whatever it is that Iran did to combat it. Says Iranian Intelligence Minister, Heidar Moselhi:

[U.S. President Barack] Obama admitted several times, in Congress and elsewhere, that the cyberwars he has carried out against us have not succeeded. He has admitted defeat. We had foreseen in advance the steps they are taking in cyberspace -- for example, the 'Internet in a Suitcase' that they have hyped so much -- and we have ways to counter it," Moslehi said in an interview with Iranian state television.

A very bold statement from Moselhi, who makes the brash claim that the U.S. has already conceded this cyberwar "several times." The only thing stopping a chorus of "[citations please]" from raining down on his head is the implicit threat of violence aimed at dissenting opinions. Moselhi seems to have wiped the Stuxnet situation from his memory, much like Stuxnet itself wiped several years of nuclear arms racing right off Iran's "World Domination Timeline" by tearing them a literal wormhole via some cybernetic centrifuge abuse.

But... but... supremacy!

In addition to the un-vetted statement above, Iran would also like you to be aware that its military is tops in cyberspace readiness:

Army Commander Ahmadreza Pourdastan has said that the Iranian Army is adequately prepared to counter any possible cyber threats against the Islamic Republic.

"Iranian armed forces are capable of carrying out offensive and defensive cyber operations," Brigadier General Pourdastan told the Mehr News Agency on Saturday. "The Army is fully prepared to defend the country against cyber attacks," he said. "We are not afraid that other countries are turning to (strategies and tactics of) cyber war because we are also familiar with cyberspace."

Seeing as the product in question isn't even completely out of R&D yet (or is it? [conspiratorial hmmm accompanied by raised eyebrow]), how does the Iranian superforce know exactly what it's combating? Is it just shaking down everyone carrying luggage or posting "No Luggage Allowed" signs everywhere? Did they hire the Samsonite ape to beat the hell out of everything while outlawing the purchase of ape-proof luggage?

Perhaps the military's newly minted cyberwarriors are already on the attack, browsing farhadslist.org for spikes in luggage listings or suspicious "Missed Connections" with half the conversation in English. Who knows? Even more to the point, who's saying? Much like its earlier claim of internet superiority over various hacktivists, this is another unprovable statement that Iran will use as evidence of its constant victory over every nation with at least a modicum of civil rights.

Stay tuned.

Filed Under: cyberdefense, cybersecurity, internet in a suitcase, iran