Finally, We Have Proof That The Washington Redskins Are Run By Replicants

from the paging-rick-deckhard dept

Yeah, I get it, with great claims must come great evidence, and you're thinking there's no way I can prove that Dan Snyder and the people who run the Washington Redskins are androids from Tyrell Corp. as seen in the Blade Runner movies. But think about it. Thiiiiiink about it, people. How are we told we can identify replicants, bio-android robots that are nearly indistinguishable from honest to goodness human beings? Well, as anyone who knows the mythology will tell you, "skin-jobs" are known for being unable to have true empathy and for their lack of emotional response. For the former, one need only combine the history of the Washington Redskins' inappropriate name and their inability to recognize the rights of those around them to comment on the team. As for emotional responses, it's a bit trickier. How do you demonstrate someone's lack of emotion without strapping them down and properly performing the Voight-Kampff test?

Here's how: you create a humorous parody of the team and their play, find out that the Redskins are threatening to sue as a result, and then explain to them, "Hey, guys, it was just a joke." Then, when the legal team for the Redskins drops their threats as a result, claiming they weren't aware all was done in jest, you've proven they are unable to produce the human emotion of humor. Boom, replicants. And, no, I'm not exaggerating.

The Skins were up in arms over a series of mock game broadcasts aired by WJFK, a CBS affiliate and direct rival to the Snyder-owned ESPN affiliate. They're critical of the team, the owner, and the unincorporated hellhole that is FedEx Field (listen to Monday's fake Giants-Redskins play-by-play for a taste), but they're obviously, obviously fake. Note to Snyder, and everyone really: If the guy doing a bit is a comedian, it might be comedy.

Yet attorney Tony Wyllie, who works directly for team owner Dan Snyder, threatened the CBS affiliate, saying the obvious parody was malicious. He threatened a lawsuit. Then he rescinded the threat. Why?

Wyllie's anger over the broadcasts prompted Chris Kinard, WJFK's program director, to call time out. He met with Wyllie on Tuesday to discuss the comedy routines. Kinard declined to comment, but Wyllie insisted after the meeting that peace was at hand.

"All we did was ask questions about what they were doing," he said in an interview. "Once they said it was all in jest, we were fine with it."

"Oh, the ridiculously over-the-top fake broadcast you did was a joke? Well, in that case, we're all good!" I can't give that exchange enough currency here, as it is central to my thesis that Wyllie and Snyder are not human beings, but replicants trying to live a human's life. Nobody who hadn't suffered severe head trauma could listen to the "offending" content and think it was anything but a joke done as parody. In this case, revelation indicates ignorance on a level that simply isn't human. It seems Wyllie knew he'd let the android out of the bag, as well, as he followed up with another comment.

"I have a sense of humor, like everyone else. It's a joke, and I take it as a joke. Once they said it was all a joke, that's all there was to it."

Nobody's buying it, skin-job. What, you think we really believe the team's strident reluctance to give up the Redskins name is simply because you're too ignorant to recognize a racist term when you see one? Please, nobody's that ignorant. No, you just can't give up the "skins" name because you're androids. You may have some people fooled, replicants, but not this reporter!

[Editor's Note: And this is just for Dan Snyder and Tony Wyllie -- everyone else, please go about your day. Tim's comments here, in which he suggests you are not human and are, in fact, replicants from Tyrell Corp., is also a joke. Just getting that out of the way ahead of time, so as to avoid any confusion.]

Filed Under: dan snyder, jokes, parody, redskins, replicants, tony wyllie