The TSA Posts Its 'Top Good Catches Of 2011' List, Not One Of Which Is An Actual Terrorist
from the because-one-time-that-guy-tried-to-ignite-a-cupcake-with-a-lightsaber dept
Everyone loves a good "Best of..." list and with 2011 having just wrapped up, pretty much every site on the web has a few posted. Bruce Schneier points us in the direction of The TSA Blog, which has posted its own self-congratulatory list, "The Top 10 Good Catches of 2011.""Good" is very much a sliding scale when you're a government agency that combines the incompetent brusqueness of classic security theater with the thoroughness of an overenthusiastic gynecological exam.
So, what sort of "epic gets" made the TSA's list? Well, there's a variety of weapons, ranging from normal loaded handguns in carry-on bags to something called a "Tactical Spike" to throwing knives to a taser disguised as a cellphone. There's also a science project, some wildlife, inert landmines, some chunks of C4 explosive and a flare gun. There's a lot of items that sound dangerous, but Bruce Schneier points out what's missing from the TSA's collection:
That's right; not a single terrorist on the list. Mostly forgetful, and entirely innocent, people. Note that they fail to point out that the firearms and knives would have been just as easily caught by pre-9/11 screening procedures. And that the C4 -- their #1 "good catch" -- was on the return flight; they missed it the first time. So only 1 for 2 on that one.So, the TSA looks as though it had its gloved hands full during 2011, especially when you consider all the non-terrorist, non-weaponry that was seized in the name of safety over the past year. In addition to those incredibly threatening cupcakes, our favorite theatre troupe saved us from being killed to death by the following items:
TSA confiscates a butter knife from an airline pilot. TSA confiscates a teenage girl's purse with an embroidered handgun design. TSA confiscates a 4-inch plastic rifle from a GI Joe action doll on the grounds that it's a "replica weapon." TSA confiscates a liquid-filled baby rattle from airline pilot's infant daughter. TSA confiscates a plastic "Star Wars" lightsaber from a toddler.With the list of threatening objects covering everything from actual guns with actual bullets to fake guns that can only be fired by those possessing ultra-tiny hands and the requisite "kung fu grip," it seems like it will only be a matter of time before we're asked to board the flight naked with our clothing and belongings being shipped to our destination on a bulletproof, bombproof supertrain. It also looks as though our children, previously thought to be "the future," are apparently now the "new face of terrorism."
Congratulations, Blogger Bob and the rest of the TSA crew! Here's hoping 2012 brings an even better list, one where inert plutonium sits side-by-side with purloined KFC sporks and back issues of Guns & Ammo in the 50-gallon trash container 15 feet away from the checkpoint. Safe!
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Filed Under: security theater, terrorism, tsa
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Yea, but that is only because they were following the proper procedure:
TSA Instructions for Screening: Infant Travelers
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Sure, but if the TSA ever starts to be proactive, there'll be abortion clinics on the concourse.
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Security Theatre
The really sad part is this Theatre has a horrible show and only a few have stopped going to see it. I guess it isn't bad enough for the masses to find some alternatives.
I wish they'd create two lines, the pre and post 9/11 lines. For those who support the "security" sold to them, they can be patt-down and enjoy their comfort on the plane, believing it to be safer than the other line. The other line is normal people who don't feel the need to have their civil liberties violated for a false sense of security.
The odds of a successful attack will be the same for both planes.
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Re: Security Theatre
I really wish they would do as you suggest. I, and many people I know, would fly a great deal more.
Only one additional security measure is needed to stop 9/11 style attacks: remove the passageway between the cockpit and the rest of the plane entirely.
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Re: Re: Security Theatre
The mental picture this conjured up was of a cockpit completely severed from the rest of the plane. Safe? Yes. Flight-worthy? Perhaps not so much.
(and then I pressed "funny" because it was, although through no fault of your own...)
(I have gone on to press "insightful" and hope that it cancels my previous action out.)
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Re: Security Theatre
They would never do that, because they don't care about the airplane passengers. All they care about is the airplane itself. Airplanes cost money.
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Glad they protect us from the pilots
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Re: Glad they protect us from the pilots
Ah the millennium bug...
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Re: Glad they protect us from the pilots
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Re: Glad they protect us from the pilots
Even if the pilot is listening to some song he paid for from iTunes, they might accidentally broadcast a tiny portion of it over the PA system while talking to the passengers, and produce a public performance without paying the appropriate copyright licensing fee, thus breaking the law.
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Re: Glad they protect us from the pilots
What is even funnier about the TSA confiscating "dangerous" items from flight crews is the fact that they deputize and authorize them to carry firearms on flights anyways.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Flight_Deck_Officer
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Re: Re: Glad they protect us from the pilots
Trigger-Happy Pilot's Bullet Pierced Cockpit Wall
Flights delayed after passenger picks up wrong bag with pilot's gun
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Tourism
So these days everyone is a terrorist simply by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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Re: Tourism
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Then the TSA can have an even longer list of things they confiscated to save our lives.
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Sure, they got the gun but they still let Cobra Commander on the plane. Way to go no-fly lists!
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most people care nothing for the facts i've seen so many cases where baseless boasting and chest thumping is more than enough to convince people that someone (or something) is some either good for them, better than them or whatever the needed propaganda might be
greedy people would be less successful in their dealings if more people could see a puddle for what it is, shallow & transparent
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Found out about the lighter after I had gone past NY security and enjoyed a cramped economic class flight. Amusing ;)
TSA: "WTF are they good for?" since 09/11/2001
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I do not presume to know that was what he used, but lookup minty boost on adafruit.com
Minty Boost is also open source.
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FTFY
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And sporks? Well, there's an explanation for that down below.
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Laugh, you naive fool!
I've been sporked. After spending 2 months learning to walk again, mocking the potency of the spork is something that leaves me trembling. I still wake up screaming, remembering the blood.
Further there's a recent rise in sporkings in high schools as teenaged gangster hooligans who listen to rap music learn the lethality and easy concealment of these flatware killers.
We need to do the following right now in order to save America:
- Come down hard on KFC for supplying these lethal objects to our children.
- I heard Rockstar Games is coming out with a new GTA, called Grand Theft Auto: Liberty Sporkings. We must organize a negative PR campaign to get them to cancel this spork-murder-training-simulator, somebody call Jack Thomson.
- We must ensure our flights are properly protected from Spork-armed Terrorist (the emerging faction Al-Sporkaeda is particularly notorious). I suggest focusing on sporks to the exclusion of all other weapons (with the exception of the dreaded colostomy bags, which should be squeezed and then gently probed with a jagged piece of metal).
- Ensure that our police have spork-resistant body armor. This armor is made from a lightweight space age material called "tissue paper, wet". We need to invest heavily in this for our fighting men and women too.
- I would strongly encourage Congress to pass federal legislation ensuring all people convicted of carrying a concealed spork or spork-related violence be sentenced to minimum mandatory sentences of 12 years hard time in a max security federal penitentiary
We must enact these changes now, for the children, or else the terrorists win.
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Re: Laugh, you naive fool!
This man means business.
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I'm sure some TSA management type misheard Santa Claus say, "You'll scoop your eye out, kid" instead of, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid", from the movie "A Christmas Story". So sporks are now deadly weapons along with the all-powerful melon ballers, as they could take an eye out too.
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You'd think they'd work harder at coming up with something resembling a real terrorist, though, than a pilot with a butter knife. Then again, the GI Joe got to fly and not get put on the no fly list so maybe they're mellowing as time goes by.
Oh, and if I wanted to blow up a plane these days the last person I'd want to get on board with the stuff to do that is someone Arabic looking. I think more a handsome blond Nordic male or drop dead gorgeous blonde Nordic female with plenty of cleavage. Just think of all the distractions the woman would be to the mostly male scanning folk and what she'd get away with!
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sounds about right
And the cup was not for me! :-)
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Terrorists have stopped flying.
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I'm not quite sure what terrorist act they thought an overweight, out-of-shape 80-year-old man was going to do with a pair of nail clippers. Maybe threaten to use his ninja skills to manicure the crew to death?
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to be fair
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TSA Security Theater :-) :-(
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TSA Top 10 Good Catches of 2011
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airport security
I am so frustrated with TSA.
The United States today, is not the wonderful country I grew up with and trusted. We have grown into a totalitarian state run by big business. Our freedoms are being eroded, one by one.
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Clearly our children are trying to kill us
The number of plastic toy weapons confiscated is astounding. I can only imagine that the young children flying these days are part of a sleeper group just testing the system to see if they can sneak on their dangerous plastic toys (which to them are real enough) and take over the nations airlines.
Also, my 6 year old had his plastic sword he bought as a souvenir confiscated by our TSA drones. The explanation given was "someone might mistake it for a real sword". Mind you, the "blade" was extra thick and looked more like a balloon than a sword, and the color was definitely off.. But hey... Maybe a really drunk or stupid passenger *might" panic.. Or likely the TSA agent knows about the child conspiracy above.
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