Ohio Zombie-Man Confirmed Dead By The Court He Personally Attended
from the the-walking-dead dept
Much of my work involves working with law firms, so I speak with lawyers on a daily basis. When the topic of conversation switches away from the IT world and becomes more personal, those lawyers often tell me how mundane their work is. Far from the courtroom drama you get from television and movies, litigation involves more paperwork and banality than many of us would know how to handle. So, while not sexy, you can picture the daily life of a courtroom attorney as repetitive, boring, and yawn-inducing.
But then a freaking zombie walks into the courtroom and demands a social security card and the entire thing goes to hell. At least, that's what appears to have happened in Ohio recently, where a man declared dead in the 90's showed up to get that declaration reversed, only to have the court reaffirm his dead-ness.
Donald Eugene Miller Jr. walked out of Hancock County Probate Court on Monday as legally dead as ever.I'm personally just surprised that the bailiff didn't immediately issue a profound double-tap to zombie-Donald's forehead. Isn't that what you do with zombies?
In 1994, the court ruled that Miller was legally dead, eight years after he disappeared from his Arcadia rental home. The same judge, Allan Davis, ruled Monday that Miller is still dead, in the eyes of the law. Miller's request for a reversal came well after the three-year legal limit for changing a death ruling, Davis said.
In any case, I'd appreciate a primer from any legal industry insiders as to what the point of a statute of limitations on getting yourself declared not-dead might be. Without a reversal, this poor zombie can't get a social security card so that he can get a job and go through his day slack-jawed and shuffling. You know, like the rest of us do. But no, thanks to Donald's grieving widow, who had him declared dead in 1994 so that she could collect Social Security benefits, Donald's attempt at glorious resurrection has been denied.
"We've got the obvious here. A man sitting in the courtroom, he appears to be in good health," [Judge] Davis said. "I don't know where that leaves you, but you're still deceased as far as the law is concerned."How the hell are we going to prosecute him when he begins eating brains?
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Filed Under: donald miller, legally dead
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Well...
I knew this day would come, but did it have to happen when we can't get into any military bases?
If any of you need me, I'll be in the panic dome!
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This sums up my feelings on zombies...
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Who is really the zombie here?
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But when someone walks into a courtroom, it is silly to declare them to be dead. I don't know whether the problem is with the judge or the law, but this outcome is ridiculous.
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Tax avoidance
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More to the point
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Re:
Well, if you want to go down THAT route, they could just bury him. No need for a trial; he's dead.
(Of course, he WOULD be charged and get a trial. Show me where in the law it says a dead man CAN'T be tried.)
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Re:
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probably not
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Re: Who is really the zombie here?
At any rate, now that this story is out in the news the Feds will probably want their social security payments back. The man may not have the resources to get the law challenged in a federal court, but government sure as hell does.
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By keeping the man dead, the judge here is actually serving justice. This person left with no contact, and without paying his debts, enough so that the state assumed he was dead. Restoring his "alive" status would benefit him, but severely harm his family.
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Ha ha ha
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Re: Tax avoidance
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Re:
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Re: Who is really the zombie here?
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Re: Re:
and they would win.
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Re:
Here's one American the NSA doesn't have to worry about those pesky rights. I know! Maybe he can get a job as their poster child for what a "good" American is?
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Dead Man Walking
Maybe get a license plate of DEADON or ZOMBY.
I'd say good timing, as it's almost Halloween.
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Surely someone cant die twice.
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Re: Tax avoidance
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Re: Ha ha ha
Man deported to the grave by officer's gun.
Case marked as closed.
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Re: Dead Man Walking
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Dead men on trial
Sergei Magnitsky in Russia in June-July 2013:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/07/11/201120083/death-and-tax-evasion-the-strange-ca se-of-sergei-magnitsky
Pope Formosus in January 897
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cadaver_Synod
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Knight Rider
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It may not happen often, but that doesn't make it okay to ignore the issue.
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So you might get away for killing him, but remember not to bury or burn him.
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Clearly not something the judge needs to worry about, he's obviously not zombie food grade. And he's already ruled the guy's dead, so doesn't have to worry about prosecuting the guy either.
You can't say he didn't come up with the perfect CYA verdict --at least for himself.
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Re: Re: Who is really the zombie here?
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Re: Dead Man Walking
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Re: Re: Re: Who is really the zombie here?
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Common Sense
If a "law" denies the obvious... shouldn't that law be immediately struck down.
For instance, if some idiotic legislative body (which includes them all) were to pass a law that we are all ducks, it would seem that it should be quickly struck down.
Instead, the court will insist that we are ducks until the law is changed.
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Re:
"I didn't do it.
I was dead at the time."
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Re: probably not
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The sad thing is that the victim (the dead guy) could probably even be called to testify against the accused in open court, because regardless of the law, in reality the victim is still alive.
On a side note: I bet this is the ultimate way to get out of jury duty. "I'm sorry your honor. I will not be coming in for jury duty. I'm dead."
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Re: Re: Re: Who is really the zombie here?
Computers are nowhere near ready to handle that kind of task.
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Re: Common Sense
Instead, the court will insist that we are ducks until the law is changed.
Because you don't want a single person to have the power to declare "that law is wrong so it doesn't exist anymore".
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Re: Common Sense
He also said, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
So I guess the law on this guys death is final, until it's time for him to pay taxes. Or the old "Your dead until we say your not, but only when we (Government) require you to pay taxes" rule.
He should make sure to not overpay as he might have a hard time getting a refund due to the statue of limitations on refunds for "dead" people.
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So his copyrights will expire in life plus 70
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Re: So his copyrights will expire in life plus 70
This is after said corporations get laws passed assigning all copyrights to themselves in perpetuity as they are now considered "persons" and can never die because they were never "born" nor "alive" in the first place.
Some say that corporations would sell their souls (if they ever had one to begin with) to the Devil. I say that is wrong. They would only license said rights to the aforementioned "soul" for a "limited time", revocable at any actual or even perceived breaking of said license.
Corporations, The Ultimate Undead.
Coming soon to a lawmakers back pocket near you.
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Who is really the zombie here?
if (years(today - death_certificate['date']) >= 3) {
really_most_sincerely_dead = true;
}
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Are they allowed to charge dead people with crimes?
What if they catch him in the act?
You don't understand officer, I'm dead.
-Oh shit, our bad, move it along people nothing to see here.
Is everyone you make sexy time with now considered a necrophiliac?
Does this mean earth is actually hell? I mean he is dead after all and obviously he did not go to heaven.
Jesus H. Christ my head!
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I bet Texas would still execute him.
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Re: Re: Re: Who is really the zombie here?
Judges also decide what to do if you have two laws that are otherwise clear but contradict each other when presented with a particular test case (that wasn't anticipated at the time the law was drafted or "encoded").
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That's pretty easy;
You charge him as "John Doe"
-- and tack on some more charges for impersonation and/or identity theft.
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It generally takes seven years for a person to be declared dead, after which their will comes into force. Their spouse becomes a widow/widower, and may be entitled to certain government payments as well as being able to marry again. All sorts of other legal niceties have to be sorted out.
If/when that person reappears, one immediate question is "where have you been, and why?" Regardless of that, though, the stuff that has been done cannot be undone. The spouse who remarries is not suddenly a bigamist, the person can't just take back all their old possessions...
This is all sensible, because you cannot leave a person's life (or death) in limbo, affecting all around them. And you cannot, when they suddenly reappear, undo all that has been done on the assumption that they were dead. In this case, they guy turns up and says "I'm back". The court cannot just say "oh yeah - okay, here's your life back. We kept it in a cupboard while you were gone".
The guy actually made a conscious decision to abandon his life (including his debts) - he cannot expect to just pick things up when he returns.
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It's not like anyone could be charged with murder, they have a signed contract.
What district attorney would bring up charges, or police officer arrest them, or judge or jury convict them? You can't murder the dead. That trial would be about as silly as legally enforcing someone who is clearly alive, to not be allowed declared "Not Dead" due to some clearly illogical statue of limitations... oh, wait.. that happened.
But the law is the law, even when it's stupid. Good thing Judge Dredd wasn't presiding over this trial, or the guy would not have made it out of courtroom... on his own two feet, that is.
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Annoying Man + Authoritarian System = Screwed
That's how things work in this authoritarian version of the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.
The end result sounds like something from the book 'Catch-22' - ridiculously absurd. Well, that's sort of the point Joseph Heller was trying to communicate. Authoritarian systems are capricious and clunky and produce endless absurdities, like cops shooting unarmed legless old guys in wheel chairs, or judges declaring obviously living guys legally dead. They do this shit because, obviously, they can.
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Judgement copy
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