Pitch Perfect Satire: NSA Intercepted Children's Letters To Santa

from the cookies-is-the-interception dept

Tue, Dec 24th 2013 7:39pm — Mike Masnick

That Anonymous Coward points us to what may be the most pitch perfect satire of the NSA's activities, in a write-up about how the NSA intercepted children's letters to Santa, over at the Duffel Blog. The concept is obvious from the title, but it's the attention to detail, matching almost point for point the kinds of things that have been revealed that the NSA actually does, that make the satire so perfect.

The documents describe an operation known as MILK COOKIES, based out of Fort Meade and run in conjunction with the U.S. Postal Service. COOKIES is the interception of the letters while MILK feeds them through a complex series of algorithms to spot any hidden messages.

Agency director Gen. Keith Alexander had previously testified to Congress in 2011 that the NSA would occasionally collect letters addressed to Santa, but insisted that it was totally accidental and that no one was actually reading or storing them.

The NSA is prohibited from directly monitoring American citizens under both Executive Order 12333 and the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. However, because the letters are addressed to the North Pole, which falls outside of U.S. territory, they are considered potential foreign intelligence signals which the NSA is authorized to intercept.

The article includes the history of the program, discusses the ELFCHELON data center in the North Pole, and even discusses how the NSA has "routinely hacked Santa’s Naughty and Nice List for any information on world leaders." As we head into a little break, this seems like an appropriate post to go out on...

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Filed Under: christmas, letters to santa, nsa, satire, surveillance

33 Comments

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Anonymous Coward, 24 Dec 2013 @ 8:21pm

Sorry, were confiscating letters written for Santa its for the chil.....oh wait.
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Anonymous Coward, 24 Dec 2013 @ 8:46pm

All those little terrorists will be out tomorrow attempting to use all those new toys to bring down civilization. We must get an early warning system up to know where to concentrate our forces to make America safe.
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- Bergman (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 2:25pm
  
  Re:
  Does this mean I'm not getting the deluxe World Trade Center playset, complete with the two toy airliners I asked Santa for this year?
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  - art guerrilla (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 7:03pm
    
    Re: Re:
    *ouch*
    that was dark...
    love it...
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out_of_the_blue, 24 Dec 2013 @ 8:48pm

the google's conspiraxy
Of course you know google is behind this. After all they pull the strings at the NSA as well as the North Pole. Rudolph is a double agent and Mrs. Clause ran off the Ed Snowden.
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- That Anonymous Coward (profile), 24 Dec 2013 @ 11:17pm
  
  Re: the google's conspiraxy
  if your gonna parody him, try harder.
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  - out_of_the_blue, 26 Dec 2013 @ 11:01am
    
    Re: Re: the google's conspiraxy
    Why? He doesn't.
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    - Anonymous Coward, 27 Dec 2013 @ 8:13am
      
      Re: Re: Re: the google's conspiraxy
      blue, you wouldn't know parody if it reached up and bit you in the ass.
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Sheogorath (profile), 24 Dec 2013 @ 8:59pm

This is for the children
In this age of artificial austerity, many parents won't be able to afford the flashy toys they see in adverts. Think how much their disappointment will subside when they're told, "Oh, honey. Santa did his best, but he had to guess what you wanted because the big bad government stole your letter to him."
A bonanza for the police as well, what with all the grade-schoolers to arrest for making finger guns as they run around the playground, pretending to 'shoot the government who stole our Christmas presents'.
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Spaceman Spiff (profile), 24 Dec 2013 @ 9:51pm

What more is there to say?
Clapper + Alexander == The Grinch Who Stole Christmas! (profuse apologies to the great Dr. Seuss)
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That Anonymous Coward (profile), 24 Dec 2013 @ 11:20pm

It gets more and more frightening that we can't tell a parody from reality any longer.
And you know somewhere out there, this link is moving through social media with people getting outraged.
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ECA (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 2:43am

Ok, fun time, the cats away
1. I want to find the person with the copy right on Cookies and milk..

2. For the NSA..
I find it humorous, looking back at WWII, that the MAJOR contributors, WORKING WITH GERMANY, were major corps in the USA..
I wonder if the FBI and NSA monitor the corps as well as they DO the people here.
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OldGeezer (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 3:57am

Did they find any like this?
Dear Santa;
I have been a good boy. Please bring me 5 pounds of C4, 6 55 gallon drums of fertilizer and fuel oil. Also please don't forget the nitro and blasting caps.
Thank you;
Muhammad

What idiots! They are looking for terrorists everywhere that they are not. I thought the online gaming infiltration was ridiculous but this really shows the spooks are paranoid!
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- Anonymous Coward, 25 Dec 2013 @ 4:29am
  
  Re:
  Frightening part is that those idiots also have their fingers on 5000 nukes pointed in every direction of our planet.
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- art guerrilla (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 7:05pm
  
  Re:
  *what* are moose-limbs doing writing santy claus ? ? ?
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Anonymous Coward, 25 Dec 2013 @ 9:50am

So if Santa is in the U.S. delivering gifts and there is a letter being delivered to him in the U.S. would a warrant then be required to intercept it? You know those darn children might ask for some cool [strikethrough] illegal fireworks and other explosives to light off on fourth of July or something and these things could be used for a terrorist plot by a six year old working for Al-Queda.
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McCrea (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 10:07am

Santa hops like the Easter Bunny!
So, if they're targeting everyone 3 hops from a suspected terrorist, and Santa knows the location of Al Queda, then everyone who has received a present from Santa needs to be targeted. Santa is one big hop.
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Anonymous Coward, 25 Dec 2013 @ 10:55am

So that's why I never got my Weapons Grade Plutonium...
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- art guerrilla (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 7:06pm
  
  Re:
  oh, thanks to fukishima, you're getting your plutonium, all right...
  maybe not how you expected...
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Time To Help (Your Turn), 25 Dec 2013 @ 11:46am

Official Edward Snowden Defense Fund
Please send cookies, milk, etc. to Edward Snowden!!!

https://wikileaks.org/freesnowden

$89,076 raised so far, 2,006 people have donated.

You can send BTC to the following address for the Journalistic Source Protection Defence Fund for Edward Snowden:

1snowqQP5VmZgU47i5AWwz9fsgHQg94Fa
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- OldGeezer (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 12:43pm
  
  Re: Official Edward Snowden Defense Fund
  And the NSA spooks are probably tracking every donation and adding them to the naughty list. Don't be surprised next time you want to go somewhere and find yourself on the no fly list and subject to anal searches.
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    out_of_the_blue, 25 Dec 2013 @ 2:24pm
    
    prepare your anus
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  - BitCoin Donations are anonymous, 25 Dec 2013 @ 4:04pm
    
    Re: Re: Official Edward Snowden Defense Fund
    If you're worried about anonymity, donate BitCoins (BTC) anonymously. Otherwise, you can use Paypal, credit card, or wire transfers.
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davebarnes (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 2:02pm

The solution is
for kids to encrypt their letters to Santa.

WVMBE WBPZM MNWCZ NQDMA QFAED MVMQO PBVQV MBMVM TMDMV BEMTD
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McFortner (profile), 25 Dec 2013 @ 3:35pm

Everybody laughed in 1962
Everybody laughed at Ray Stevens and his song "Santa Claus Is Watching You" in 1962, but these lyrics are hitting close to home now:

Well you may thing you can sneak around
and get away with something
But there ain't no way,
'Cause Santa's no fool, he's really super cool.
He's the secret head of the CIA.
Eesh, Iish, crime don't pay
(You can't do nothin' cause you're never alone
He's even got a wire tap on your phone.)
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- Sheogorath (profile), 26 Dec 2013 @ 7:31am
  
  Re: Everybody laughed in 1962
  
  You'd better not shout, you'd better not cry
  You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why
  NSA is comin' to town
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  - Anonymous, 26 Dec 2013 @ 3:01pm
    
    Re: Re: Everybody laughed in 1962
    Since this is a Pitch Perfect satire, it must be sung acapella.
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Anonymous Coward, 25 Dec 2013 @ 9:05pm

Oh god....
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PopeRatzo (profile), 26 Dec 2013 @ 5:55am

obligatory
If those kids haven't done anything wrong, they've got nothing to worry about.
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Ninja (profile), 26 Dec 2013 @ 6:51am

So this year's Grinch is Mr Alexander...
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Anonymous Coward, 26 Dec 2013 @ 10:42am

In other news...
It has also been leaked that apparently in early December the NSA sent a NSL to the North Pole "requesting" copies of any and all information collected by Santa's Covert Elf Surveillance Network. The CESN is well known for collecting information used to determine which of Santa's two lists children end up on. According to the confidential source, the North Pole immediately sent a classified response to the NSA stating that due the tasks at hand this time of year, Santa would have to take some time to review the request, but NSA could expect to receive a response on Christmas Eve as is the strict policy for processing all requests received by the North Pole regardless of who the requesting entity is.

Rumors are that this response was received in the form of coal that was delivered to the stockings of most of the top officials in the NSA, however this has yet to be confirmed.
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Anonymous Coward, 27 Dec 2013 @ 1:41am

But terrorists will just address their letters to santa if we don't watch!
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Anonymous Coward, 27 Dec 2013 @ 6:32pm

Notice to NSA
Consider this: you intercepted private letters to Santa. You, therefore, have accepted the role of Santa. It is, therefore, up to you to fulfill the job of Santa and provide the writers with that which they wish for--AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE. Merry Festihanukahmas!
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